Over the weekend, Tesla quietly (or well, not so quietly if you’re Elon Musk on X) made history. A Model Y delivered itself from the Gigafactory in Austin straight to its new owner’s apartment without a driver, without a remote operator, and with barely a side-eye from anyone it passed.
Just let that settle in.
A car… Delivered itself… Through parking lots… On highways… Past unsuspecting pedestrians and traffic… And nobody even batted an eyelid…
The Future Is Here… and That’s Kinda Terrifying
Now, I get it for the average person who doesn’t care much for driving, this sounds like the best thing since sliced bread. No more stressful commutes. No more dodgy Ubers. You could get in the car, close your eyes, and nap your way to work. Hell, you could finally send that email your boss has been asking for since Wednesday all while sipping your morning coffee in traffic.
But for someone like me, someone who loves driving, spirited driving, throttle-blipping-downshift kind of driving, this is a glimpse of a future I’m not sure I’m ready for.
Will we still be allowed to enjoy our cars? Will there be a day when the ECU says “No Nico, you may not downshift and go full send today.”
Will Teslas in Cape Town refuse to leave the garage because your subscription lapsed?
The Good Stuff…I’m Trying to Be Fair
Look, I’m not blind to the upsides here.
In South Africa, our two biggest causes of road accidents are:
- Distracted driving (read: people glued to their phones)
- Drunk driving.
A car that drives itself solves both of those instantly. No more weaving taxis texting their side-chick. No more “Best night ever selfies in the car from Cubana” at 3am.
In theory, autonomous cars could save lives.
And yes Friday nights with the squad might no longer need a designated driver. Maybe we all can finally get that ride home without that one friend saying the infamous line “Hou my dop” followed by a downshift in a D4D Hilux with a chip tune hotter than a Durban curry.
But Let’s Talk South Africa…Reality Check
Here’s the problem…this ain’t Texas.
What happens when a Tesla hits a pothole the size of a Cape Town gatsby?
Or when the road markings have faded into oblivion?
Or when our famous load-shedding knocks out every traffic light from Bellville to Blouberg?
Does the Tesla politely stop and cry?
Or does it carry on with a flat, gnawing away at its own fender liners until the suspension gives up?
How will it behave when it can’t see lane markings, because let’s face it most of our roads look like they were drawn by a toddler with a crayon and a vendetta?
And let’s not even get into charging infrastructure. Teslas here would be like that same toddler at bedtime, whining and desperately looking for a dummy… or in this case, a charger.
Hacked Cars & Highway Meltdowns?
Sure, let’s ignore the movie-level scenario of your car being hacked by some Bond villain. Even if that’s far-fetched, I still wouldn’t trust software, even fancy software, to decide between my life and a baby squirrel in the middle of the road.
So Where Does That Leave Us?
To be honest… I’m not sold yet.
Unless the conditions are perfect, the route is known, the stars align and Mercury isn’t in retrograde I’m not exactly rushing to let a car drive me while I nap in the back.
For now?
I’ll stick to rebuilding carbs in the rain, or telling my mates “I’ve had enough to drink, thanks I’m driving myself home.”
I’ll take a real car that makes you feel something. That asks to be driven, not programmed.
Maybe one day we’ll see if the robo Teslas come to the racetrack. Who would win, a robo taxi piloted by hope or the lemons supra powered by ROWE oils and a passionate driver?
Until then, I’ll let the Teslas do their thing and I’ll be over here still choosing whether I want to take the scenic route home or if I am tired, just drive straight home.